It was like a long postscript to the first memoir, the updated information, as best I could relate it. My experience coming out and dating a woman for the first time, and how the entire first memoir could be a pretty good indicator that I was gay. What did you write about in your second memoir? I came out on Tumblr and was very nervous, but everyone was really supportive. By coming out, I felt like I was going to throw a wrench in this person that I developed for them. I moved to New York City when I was 26 and had dated a couple of guys pretty unsuccessfully.Īfter the first memoir, there was a sizable readership of young women who were looking to me for their own reassurance. I had a wonderful therapist who helped me click things into place. What led to the moment when, at 28, you told your friends that you might not be straight? So my conversations with straight women about these feelings, I imagine, were very different than they might have been if I had talked to anyone who was queer. Again, this is something that is probably a lot different now, depending on where you are in the country or in the world, but in the early to mid-aughts, I think it was not uncommon. I’d write, “I’m pretty sure I’m gay now,” but it was always self-deprecating and presented half as a joke. I remember sending her Facebook messages when I was 20, you know, about Shane from “The L Word” and Tegan and Sara. I talked a lot to my best friend at the time, Rylee. There were also times when I would take quizzes and want to be told that I was gay, but then I just didn’t really believe it because the criteria they considered in order to make that assessment felt so fake.ĭid you feel like you could talk to your friends about your sexuality?Ī little bit. But in the early aughts, that sort of literacy was not there, especially not on whatever crappy quizzes I was finding. Obviously, now there is a lot more awareness about bisexuality and sexual fluidity. And usually what I wanted to believe was that I was straight, or that I was not sufficiently gay for it to really manifest in any meaningful way in my life. I was looking for an answer as confirmation of what I wanted to believe that day.
I wasn’t looking for an answer as in the actual truth. Were you looking for a particular answer about your sexuality? But dating was one area where I felt completely lost. I felt like I had everything else figured out: I was good at school, easily made friends, that sort of thing. I didn’t feel like an outcast by any stretch.īut seeing myself as this undateable, sort of sexless person, even if that wasn’t outwardly visible to people, weighed on me. With every passing year, the fact that I had not dated anyone seemed to become more a marker of difference. I felt it especially once I got to college. When did you feel that your experiences were diverging from your friends’? I wanted someone to essentially tell me that I would be OK, that I would acquire all the things I needed to have a happy life.Īs I got older and felt my experiences diverging from those of my friends, I looked to external sources to reassure me that I was still “normal” and that there was still a path forward for me.
It was fun, but I was absolutely searching for guidance and clear cut answers. Were you searching for something with those predictive quizzes, or was it just for fun? You can also read my interview with Amanda Gefter (“The Night Girl Finds a Day Boy”), and Daniel Jones’s interviews with Mary Elizabeth Williams (“A Second Embrace, With Hearts and Eyes Open”) and Andrew Rannells (“During a Night of Casual Sex, Urgent Messages Go Unanswered”). The interview has been edited for length and clarity. Heaney, whose episode stars LuLu Wilson and Grace Edwards.
#Buzzfeed the gay test series#
The Modern Love editor Daniel Jones and I recently caught up with four writers whose essays inspired episodes in the new season of the “Modern Love” television series on Amazon Prime Video.
In her 2018 Modern Love essay “ Am I Gay or Straight? Maybe This Fun Quiz Will Tell Me,” the writer Katie Heaney describes how her love of multiple-choice quizzes, which had provided a “lifelong source of support and comfort,” hindered her ability to trust herself - even when it came to her sexuality.Īfter she came out at 28, she had this piece of advice: Don’t look outward for personal answers.